"Engine of Pain"

For me, each race season starts off with a couple months base training. Base is usually a progression of longer and longer rides or weekly accumulated hours of rides with very little intensity. When March hits, I blow that shit up and ride hard. I ride a lot and I ride with intensity. Every time out it's a race to the pain. A race to see how long I can withstand my burning lungs, cramping quads and my will to simply give out. Last night was one of those rides. Weak from the weeks earlier efforts I pushed hard. I wasn't feeling rested and I wasn't fine, but I pushed. The trails were soft and impossible to ride in some places. In those places I got off and ran. I ran through the mud with my toes sinking and and my heart pounding. Every climb ended with my head spinning, breath wheezing and stomach queasy. We'd regroup. I'd swallow some sport juice and push again. My goal was to break - to drop off and fall to the back struggling to keep in sight. Never happened. I never felt strong, but I didn't break. Maybe I didn't ride as hard as I thought earlier in the week. Maybe things are going well. I don't know. Overall I still feel like the struggling schmuck I've always been. Just trying to "do it right".

This morning I saddled up on the fixie for the ride to work. My legs were tired. I had to stand in many places I usually sit. After last nights rain, it smelled like worms. Slowly but surely, my legs loosened up, my hands moved to the center of the bars and I was pushing again. The weather was warm. I got hot. I took off my helmet, untucked my base layer and unzipped my jersey. Corny as it may be, some Tool lyrics came to mind;

Saw the gap again today
...
...your pushing me
and i'm shoving you
and your pushing me
and i'm shoving you
...
pushing and shoving and
pushing and shoving and
pushing me
there's no love in fear

starring down the hole again
hands are on my back again
survival is my only friend
terrified of what may come

Though out of context, it made a nice mantra as I spun the cranks. Broke my time record for the morning commute. Not by much and not completely trying. Not bad for being tired.

As a side note, the intensity training has provided me a fun little game. It's called How much can I eat without gaining weight? I've been stuffing myself all week. Just yesterday I had an english muffin, 4 pieces of bacon, 2 sausage egg and cheese biscuit sandwiches, turkey club, chicken cheese steak Stromboli, a dinner plate size pizza, some hot wings, two large high alc% beers, two cytomaxes, two protein shakes, some sport beans, swedish fish and a cliff bar. I gained a pound. As long as I maintain that weight or maybe lose some of it today, I win!

- b