Gas Master

Nobody told me about The Invisible Killer of Calm.

Holy crap does gas make a fussy baby. When you're running on 4 hours sleep and the baby is screaming bloody murder for something you can't feel or touch, you'll think your whole world is coming apart.

The past few days have been nothing but Hapigail Vs. Abigassy.

It's taken a while, but I think I now have the pattern.

1. After feeding, baby will remain awake or awaken. Not fussy, just awake.
2. Wash hands.
   
3. Watch for gas clues - such as weird straining of the neck, tightly squeezed eyes, or odd mouthings.
4. Baby is now screaming at the top of their lungs and won't stop.
5. Attempt to hold them vertically and maybe burp. Lately this has been useless.
6. Do the gas dance with or without your finger in their mouth (comfort suck). Gas dance is cradling baby in your arms while bouncing on the balls of your feet and turning counter-clockwise. Should show results within 1 or 2 revolutions. If you typically have trouble chewing gum and walking at the same time, then I can only offer you prayers.
   
7. Continue gas dance indefinitely - doesn't matter how Fn tired you are and try not to fall down chump. If baby continues to exhibit the gas clue behaviors continue the dance. If baby repeats step 3, continue to step 8.
8. Walk laps around the house. Can probably be replaced with car ride, but who the hell wants to pack up a newborn at midnight and go for a drive - though it may come to this.





9. Continue counter-gas measures (steps 6, 7, and 8) until gas clue behaviors have subsided. This has so far averaged 45 minutes.
10. When gas clue behaviors have ceased, yet screaming continues, you're in the home stretch. Gas will usually conclude with a really messy diaper. Hold tight, cause you're approaching the finish line.

The Prize!


11. Clean hiney, replace diaper, and re-swaddle.
    
12. Wash hands. It may take a few minutes of the gas dance or some other variety to return to a calm baby. This may require more comfort sucking. When baby's eyes reach REM and/or comfort sucking ceases on your water-logged finger, baby is calm and gas attack has passed. Only if the eyes are closed can you relax. If eyes remain open, prepare for an immediate round 2.
    
13. Get some rest, because another one's coming. Expect new or different gas clue behaviors and longer gas attack durations.

ps. remember to love baby like there's no tomorrow.

- b